Despite my ongoing examination of religion, I continue to believe in God. Supreme Being. Absolute. Whatever name comes closest to the mystery. However, I do question the explanations. I question the theology. Occasionally, I question whether my questioning needs a day off. But beneath all that activity, my belief remains.
I strongly believe knowing God is primarily relational. Intellectual inquiry has its place. It helps me recognize passed along assumptions and to re-examine ideas I once accepted without much thought. But knowing about God and coming to know God are completely different experiences. Reading about love can teach us something. Loving asks us to participate.
This is why I keep returning to quiet prayer and meditation. A little space to stop investigating everything and simply be present. I do not have to settle every theological dispute before sitting down. The unanswered questions can sit with me.
I find that something becomes possible in that silence. I begin to notice thoughts that usually run the show. The fears. The need to be right. The habit of explaining what I have barely experienced. Sometimes there is peace. Sometimes there is restlessness. Both give me something to attend to honestly.
I once leaned toward a simple equation. More time in silence should produce more transformation. But that needs a qualification. Time makes room for change. It does not guarantee it. I can sit quietly for an hour and spend most of it defending myself in an imaginary conversation.
What seems to matter is how I enter that time. Am I willing to listen? To loosen my grip? To acknowledge something uncomfortable? A few honest minutes may open more than a long session spent rehearsing familiar answers. I do not want to turn prayer into another performance with a score to keep.
Anyway, whatever happens in silence eventually meets ordinary life. Am I becoming more patient? Can I listen without preparing my rebuttal? Am I more willing to forgive, admit a mistake, or notice someone else’s need? These are places where transformation becomes more than a pleasant feeling.
I believe we make time for what we love. Relationships need attention. So I return to the quiet, trusting that something worthwhile can grow there without demanding visible progress every morning.
Some days I come because I feel close to God. Other days I come because I do not. Either way, I am making room for a relationship I cannot think my way into.
